Hunt for Nessie

She is there. Oh yes. And she is female.

We have never seen her, but that does not matter.

Go and sit at Urquhart Castle, particularly as the sun comes down and the mist forms. That ripple on the water. Yes, just there. . .

Drink in Glasgow

Scots outside Glasgow drink, of course. But in Glasgow, they make it an art form.

Start in any bar in the City Centre, talk to some local people, and see where they take you.

Eat well before you start (A Pizza Supper is good to soak up beer). Go to bed before you fall over.

You should drink beer - not Lager, not whisky. Drink A Pint of 70 shilling, or 80 shilling. ...Or whatever your many new friends suggest - and you will make many new friends when you do this.

Assault Edinburgh Castle

Start from Princes Street Gardens. Find the bridge over the railway, and climb up the grass towards the Castle.

It is difficult now. Imagine what it was like for soldiers, who tried to attack throughout history.

Many have tried - nobody makes it.

(Please be careful. If the Police catch you, it was not my idea......)

Stroll on Calton Hill

For the best view of Edinburgh city, do not take the long walk up Arthurs Seat, try Calton Hill. The view is better from there.

Find it by walking to the East end of Princes St, continue up Waterloo Place. At the end of the row of shops and Cafes the entrance is on your left. It is an easy walk up a small hill (wheelchair accessible), and it has great views.

In arty programmes about Scotland, there will often be an interview or establishing shot of a slightly Greek-looking monument and the skyline of Edinburgh. It is at the top of Calton Hill, and you can take a great Me-in-Edinburgh photo there.

Deep-Fried Mars Bar

This is not a myth. It is true. In a Scottish Chip Shop you can buy a deep-fried Mars Bar.

It is a Mars Bar, dipped in batter, and deep-fried. I know you do not believe me - just ask in a Chip Shop, you will see.

Not all Chip Shops will do this. But you just try another. Just ask nicely, tell them you are a tourist.

Do not worry if you do not like Mars Bars. It is possible to have deep-fried Snickers, Bounty, any chocolate confection you like, but you may have to wait while it is freshly cooked to order.

Deep-Fried Pizza Supper

The deep-fried Mars bar you eat as a dessert course - after you have eaten your deep-fried pizza supper.

Yes, a pizza. Usually half of a pizza. Deep fried. No batter. With chips.

Ask for a Deep-Fried Pizza Supper. You will get Pizza and Chips (French Fries). If you say ...supper, this means ...and Chips.

A Fish Supper is Fish and Chips. A Pie Supper is a Mince Pie and Chips. (A Scottish Mince Pie is lamb mince in a shortcrust pastry, try this too)

Go up Glenshee chairlift

The Guide books will recommend Cairngorm or Fort William, but this one is more friendly, and it is not covered with Tourists!

Go to Glenshee and take the chairlift to the top - so beautiful and so remote.

It is on the road from Blairgowrie to Breamar. If you are driving to Aberdeen, you should go this way anyway, the main road (past Forfar) is boring by comparison. Check the chairlift before you go - it is not always open. But if it is not open, it is a nice drive to Braemar anyway, and there are often deer on the hills beside the Glenshee-Braemar road.

If you are riding a motorcycle, this is one of the best roads in Scotland.

Watch a Shinty match

Shinty is never spoken of outside Scotland. It is rarely mentioned in the Lowlands of Scotland. But go into the Highlands and they will tell you. . .   Football (soccer) is for overpaid pretty-boys, Rugby is for rich people who go to expensive schools. Shinty, now Shinty, this is played by real men.

If you are in the Highlands, find a Shinty match. It is similar to Hockey, played with a small ball and hooked sticks. You will not believe how hard, how dangerous, how physical a game of stick and ball can be.

Buy a see-you-jimmy hat

These are the best hats in the world. Totally Scottish. We wear these always for weddings and special occasions.

Most Tourist Shops will sell this hat. Ask for a See You Jimmy hat. It is made of Tartan. It has a lot of orange hair, so when you wear it it looks like you have the best Orange Affro Hair in the World.

Everybody will know you are a Tourist. You will make many new friends.

Visit a Crannog

This one is in the Guide Books - but we like it anyway. Especially if the guide can make fire for you.

A Crannog is a house on stilts in the water. They were common in Scotland as places where families could be safe from sheep-rustlers. Yes, they took their sheep into their house with them.

The Crannog on Loch Tay is one of the best. You can see a film of how they rebuilt it. And you get a demonstration of how to make fire with 2 bits of wood. I know you will have seen this on TV, but it is more impressive when you see it for real.

Listen to Martyn Bennett

Traditional Scottish music is fine.

But for where its at in the modern Scottish music scene, get past Runrig to the fantastic Celtic / Techno fusion of Martyn Bennett.